I’m not fat.

I’m having trouble deciding how to feel right now. I’m sad because of James (my brother died in August) – we went through some of his stuff last night. I went straight over there from brunch so I had on heeled black suede boots.  I took them off to sort through stuff and then we went down in the basement so I slipped on a pair of James’ old tennis shoes. Then I ended up wearing them home because I didn’t want to put my boots back on. And for some reason I put them back on this morning. And I was also putting on a bunch of his Patagonia stuff. Which was really too small. So I was wearing James’ Nikes that are four sizes too big and a XXL Patagonia pull over that is really two sizes too small. Then I just started crying. Because of James, not the shirt being too small.

Then I went through these old pictures James had. There are a few of me from high school. I was not fat. I always thought I was always fat. I remember in college I thought I was fat and I looked back at pictures and then saw I wasn’t fat later, but I was fatter when I thought that so I guess that makes sense. But in college I didn’t always think I was fat. I knew when I was working out with my friend and we did Atkins and went to the gym every single day at 6am and I was in a size 12 blue pant and some skater shoes which I guess was a phase that… I was not fat. I felt good.

I also think that in my early twenties after I graduated from college I didn’t feel fat. I used my body for my own pleasure. I knew it had a power. But then I started getting fatter and I reverted to this way of thinking that I have always been fat.

And now I think – that’s not true. What the fuck? Why didn’t anybody tell me? And actually, were people always telling me I was fat or was I telling myself that? And what’s so fucked up is – I KNOW right now I’m fat. Right? I’m a 3x. I’m fat. But now I’ve been like this for a long time and I don’t feel bad but I want to be thinner and I honestly always really thought that was impossible because I’ve always been fat. So I’m actually fat right now but I haven’t always been fat. But I believe I’m fat now because I’ve always thought I was fat. So if I think I’m thin will that make me thin or just delusional? I don’t know what to think. At all.

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