Squirrels

I hate squirrels. I consider them to be rats with bushy tails. I don’t understand why anyone would put out a squirrel feeder. That would be like inviting pests into your yard. They’re not cute, they’re not friendly. They’re fucking gross. So imagine my horror as I looked up this morning and saw two squirrels FUCKING!!!!!!

Now, the neighborhood kids said, “they’re just trying to hang on” and “they don’t want to fall out of the tree.” Let me assure you, these squirrels were doing the dirty. Because they’re dirty! And they’re all out in the open on this bleak morning in this barren tree against this gray sky, hanging RIGHT over my head. And I’m like – look, I already said my mantras and woke up naturally to the $100 morning light alarm clock by Philips and I am telling you the last thing I need right now, or ever, is to get squirrel jizz on my head! I just can’t. I CANNOT. Baby Jesus help us all. And what’s worse is, they’re trying to create more squirrels! Disgusting. I don’t even think red tailed squirrels are cute. You know what that is? A squirrel with a genetic mutation. How is that cute? And don’t think its lost on me that I have red hair. But guess what? That makes me a UNICORN, NOT A SQUIRREL.

Let’s move on, shall we? Michael Wolff is my hero. I know you know who that is because, let’s face it, you know who that was before “Fire and Fury” hit the bookshelves. I’m sure you could probably quote him from articles you’ve read in Vanity Fair. Speaking of which, they published an online article I read this morning entitled “How Michael Wolff stuck a shiv in Donald Trump.” I have seen the word “consigliere” in print more in the last week than I have ever. Its phenomenal. I don’t care if its sensationalized or if Wolff let people “tell their stories” without necessarily fact checking them. I don’t even care that Wolff purportedly wants to chumm around with the same people he’s scouring. I LOVE IT! Let the squirrels fuck! He’s well dressed. Hes NOT overweight, and he’s certainly smarter than Trump. Why even say that? He’s written books much less read them. Oh my lord I am just in absolute heaven right now. And listen, LISTEN, I consider myself at a minimum to be above average intelligence. Good thing I have this book on my kindle because at least every few pages I have to press down to get the definition of a word.

Oh sure, I could understand exactly what he’s saying from content. Shit, even without context I can tell you what he’s saying – Trump is a buffoon who didn’t ever want to be President. But that’s not the point! Well, it’s sort of the point of the book. But my point is, he’s using theses beautiful, wonderful words to say things in such a precise way and it is making me so happy to read all of it. I’m laughing. I can’t cry – we’re over that, right? This actually happened. To our collective dismay. And what makes it even funnier is that Bannon has already suffered the consequences. And I don’t consider myself vindictive in any way (I mean, maybe years ago / days ago and I think I could be if I was that interested but you know I’ve turned myself over to self-awareness and nonjudgement so I have no place for it now). And obviously I don’t know Bannon on any level other than what I’ve read about him in the New York Times. But really. Really, folks. Aren’t we all taking a bit of a collective chuckle and head boob together to see this fucking idiot flounder around like bloated, overweight, miserable fish out of water? Tell me you’re not?!  You ARE! And so am I! And so we’re all in this together like some disgusting squirrels fucking in a tree. But I’ll tell you what – I’m good with it! You know why? What else would I be doing? Watching “The Real Housewives” and having literal nightmares. At least when I read this book I feel smarter. Elevated even. Its fantastic.

Let’s move on again, shall we? OPRAH. Anybody, anybody?! Look, one of the things I care a lot about is funny memes. And I’ll tell you, seeing Steadman with that bold script underneath his face explaining this was “How You Look When You Realize You’re going to be first lady in 2020.” That’s golden right there my friend. Absolutely golden. And not for nothing, its even funnier because as we have now confirmed through reading Wolff’s book, Melanie’s absolute worst fear was that Donald would actually WIN! He promised her he wouldn’t. Melania was the ONLY one who thought he could win. Its just so rich. She didn’t want to be first lady. Apparently she doesn’t even know where he is half the time. “He wanders among residences like people wander through rooms.” So yes, the Steadman meme about being first lady. Rich. Its rich! And I love rich.

So anyway, yah, Oprah. I mean, I will tell you this. Its obvious even before reading this that I hate being fat. And Oprah looked so good! I know it was not just that black dress slimming her down. She was werkin that stage. Go on ahead, girl! I mean look, if I was the richest person in the world I would want to also be thin. I mean, maybe I wouldn’t care but let’s face it, that’s not really true. And yes, Deepak, “I love myself. Just the way I am.” But everybody wants to be thin. I mean, Oprah didn’t look anorexic or anything like that (I want people to actually question my health because I’m so thin), but she looked great. And she sounded great. And I did actually wonder if she was reading from a teleprompter, which I assume she was not just because of her long career in day time TV or because she was wearing glasses, but because – let’s face it. That was a fantastic speech. Or maybe I just miss Obama so much and I’m so used to a blubbering idiot that I was so overwhelmed by someone able to make a point and stick to a story and get through a speech without insulting everyone in the room. And you should know I don’t watch TV news! I’m normally reading this stuff which is just as unbearable. Here’s a little excerpt that I share because its so like a political speech with the “from farmland to the rolling meadows of ‘insert Swing State here’ and reference to her poor and relateable upbringing ” I just couldn’t help myself.

QUOTE: Oprah, accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award at the Golden Globes Sunday”So I want tonight to express gratitude to all the women who have endured years of abuse and assault because they, like my mother, had children to feed and bills to pay and dreams to pursue. They’re the women whose names we’ll never know. They are domestic workers and farm workers. They are working in factories and they work in restaurants and they’re in academia, engineering, medicine, and science. They’re part of the world of tech and politics and business. They’re our athletes in the Olympics and they’re our soldiers in the military.”

I’m curious who wrote this speech but I’m too lazy to look it up right now. Anyway, its great. What’s also great? Ivanka of course “endorsed” Oprah’s speech on twitter saying something to the effect of “let’s all come together, #timesup.” Because you know Ivanka is the poster girl for the working woman. Which, I’ll admit, go there girl. I have always loved Ivanka and her wide and comfortable shoes. More stylish by far than Jessica Simpsons and a little bit of hardware to make them look expensive. Shit, they are kinda expensive. Unless you buy them on Amazon on sale and don’t pay sales tax and have them shipped to you the next day for free. But, I do love her shoes. They are comfortable. I ain’t gonna lie I have probably 10 pairs.

I’m sure its more obvious to you than most that Ivanka chiming in with Oprah to rally against sexual assault and women enduring bullshit from men means absolutely nothing without condemning her father but let’s get real! She’s never going to do that. And do we even want her to? I mean, not really, right? Because it will never happen and if it did than maybe we wouldn’t be able to talk about how creepy their relationship is. Or rather, how creepy Donald is, with his leering eyes and statements like “I’d date Ivanka if she wasn’t my daughter.” So fucking gross. Like some squirrels fucking in a leafless tree against a gray sky.

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