I want to be calm. I want to be happy. I want to be thin. I think I am happy. Or I should be, but I don’t feel that way.
I could barely leave my house Saturday. I was a sweaty, exhausted mess trying to get ready to go have a casual breakfast with my boyfriend. Who I love, and he loves me. I hate being fat. I hate feeling useless but also used. I don’t like being isolated but sometimes I just want to be alone.
I came to Love Farm, my sister’s place, Saturday. As soon as I got here I wanted to be back home.
I don’t want to work, I don’t want to work out. I don’t want to do much of anything but I feel so restless. I was up early this morning. I took the dog out and made coffee. I should exercise. It just occurred to me I could have walked for miles with the dog and I might feel differently right now. Everything feels like a chore. I finished some essential work items which were nice to get out of the way. I’ve never considered before that I don’t like my job or that it’s not satisfying. It hasn’t occurred to me but I’ve not given it consideration either. It pays well and I’m scared of not having money.
I think I’m worried this is my life. That this is all. This is it.
It’s a good life. But I don’t feel finished. I’m worried this is all there is for me.
I want to travel. I want to create. I want to… what?
I don’t know even really know. That must be part of the problem.
I’m starting to make a list of things I really want to do. Then when I do something, anything, I want to be more aware of how I’m spending my time and accountable to myself for creating my own happiness. I’m open to changing the list as I get better at identifying what I want in the short and long term, but I think I need a list to keep myself honest. And to understand what it is I really want. Because sometimes I feel like just watching TV all day. And that’s what I do.
– Continue to volunteer with Girls on the Run, be committed
– Go to CAM exhibit
– Go to the art museum regularly
– Go back to Michigan this summer
– Exercise until I like it again, then keep doing it
– Go to the farmers market – cook
– Write. A lot. Every day at least a little.
– Train the dog
– Do my chakras regularly
– Learn more about crystals
– Eat pasta in Italy
– Take a drawing class
I need to lose weight. I’m scared being fat is holding me back. I know it’s exhausting, and that it exhausts me. I need to be serious and dedicated to my health, and myself on this. I need to be ok doing this for me.
Why am I bingeing? Am I trying to take it all in, get as much as I can, grab everything I can get before anybody can stop me? I have to stop myself for myself.
I want to stop.
I can stop.
I will stop.
I will start today.
I commit to:
– Enjoy things, even small things, especially small thing.
– Be grateful
– Be genuine
– Be happy
– Be generous – sometimes be generous just to me
I am in control. I say yes or no. I determine my future. I decide what I want it to be, and how I get what I want.
I am kind. I am proud of myself. I will let myself be happy.