Would it be easier if….

Would my job be easier if I was thin? Would my boss like me more? Would he pay more attention to me, or even pay me more?

Would it be easier to look in the mirror if I was thin? To take off this big baggy shirt I’ve been sleeping in for months now? The one I’ve been clinging to like some kind of  child’s blanket to give me strength, protect me from the big bad world, and most of all shield me from seeing the massive stretch marks etched into my rapidly growing non-pregnant belly.

Would my day be easier if I wasn’t fat? Would it be easier to get in and out of the car? To walk up and down the stairs? To go to the gym? Would it be less work to bend down to tie my shoes? Could I get on those boots I’ve been dying to wear all season?

Would my life be easier if I was thinner? Would it simply be better if I wasn’t fat?

I’m scared to think the answer is yes.  I wouldn’t know because I’ve been fat all my life. But now I’m obese. By any definition really, I’m morbidly obese.

I gained fifty pounds over the last six months. That brought me to a whopping 285. I’m 5’10” but even if I was eight feet tall, that’s too much. I weigh more than my boyfriend who’s 6’4″ and has the most beautiful, broadest shoulders I’ve ever laid eyes on. Some of his shirts aren’t loose on me anymore. I wouldn’t even consider trying to fit into a pair of his boxers.

Would my relationship be better if I was thinner? Would he love me more?

Or am I fooling myself? Does anybody but me (and maybe my physician) care that I’m fat? Do I only care because I’m vain?

Would it be easier to take a vacation if I was thin? Would I be more excited about going to the beach? Would I like shopping more? What would it feel like to be able to buy clothes from a regular store? Off the rack?

Would it be more comfortable to fly if I was thin? Would it be more relaxing if I didn’t have to worry about the seatbelt fitting all the way across my expansive lap? Or squeezing into the middle exit row seat that has the hard sides?

Would I sweat less if I was thin? Would I finally be free of being hot all the time?

Would all of my problems disappear if I was thin?

Why can’t I be thin? It should be easier.

laura face